Wednesday, April 15, 2009

"It is better to shoot for the stars and land in the mud, then it is to shoot for the mud and make it."
-Doctor Paul, PhD

A lesson in basic sociolinguistics (for those who care/are dumb enough):

Language, like the art of playing in raw muddy sewage, is constantly evolving. It just seems to keep getting dirtier and dirtier. Four letter words are being used a shit-ton especially by the younger fucking population. Some have alluded to the prevalence of Internet parlance and gangsta' rap to be the "dumbing down of our language". Usually said "some" have never taken a linguistics class but apparently know and preach more about the subject then I do. It's okay smart ass, good luck getting home tonight after your tires have been slashed. Mama didn't raise no fuck.

Fortunately, alternatives to the boring occasional "fuck" or "cunt" exist. There is a wave of slang rising in the Southern California area. It may just be a kiddie-pool wave now, but given the power of Internet/facebook whoring expect a Tsunami of Team Torrance jargon to own your souls in the near future. Our influence on the lexicon will put even Apple's proprietary powers to shame. This is no idle threat: already our facebook friends are feeling the onslaught on their frontal lobes.

Textbook, no wait, Bible example:

bloon [blun]

-verb (intransitive)
1. to heavily procrastinate by means of technology: Vuk blooned for so long on Crysis settings that he forgot about his appointment with Mike.
2. to achieve a vegetative state in a dim room, often while accompanied by music and laptops. Instead of going to class today, this entire afternoon seems like a most excellent time to bloon, what say you?

Origin:
2008; Long Beach, CA

Related Forms:
blooned, adjective
blooner, noun


And now for a brief history: a good friend of mine, Chris, discovered a very interesting Internet flash game and brought it to our humble abode ("abode" meaning cave of video gaming and other such foolishness) in the later quarter of 2008. That game, as it will be forever honored in the archives of nerd history, is Bloons Tower Defense 3.



http://www.ninjakiwi.com/Games/Tower-Defense/Bloons-Tower-Defense-3.html

Don't visit if you have anything pressing in the next couple hours, or days. I'm not liable.

It certainly isn't the best game ever made, nor the flashiest. And once you figure it out it's definitely not the hardest. But BTD3's relatively simple design, hilarious sound effects, and use of MONKEYS for fuck's sake caused a minor pandemic of procrastination amongst my circle of friends. The ability to waste literally countless hours watching monkeys chuck darts at balloons-er I mean BLOONS is amazing and would impress even a stoner like Snoop. Chris started the procrastination on his little macbook and soon every retard was following suit with ice balls, cannons, and super monkeys. No that is not a joke. It got to the point where we were discussing pros/cons of monkey glue, having mini-bloons tournaments, and severely tilting (a vocab word for another day I'm afraid, noob) any female hoping to receive attention (because hey we're good looking guys) and instead walking into a den of laptop-bound zombies and incessant "popping" sounds.



And if you think that run-on sentence is bad, I'm completely sober at the moment, so consider yourself lucky.

Yes, I did just put "and" at the beginning of the sentence, did you want me to shit on your windshield too Mr. Oxford?

After being so rudely interrupted, where was I? Oh yes, the epic of blooning. As our mastery over the game progressed and our mastery with the outside world became like Shaq's foul shot, BTD3 transformed into autopilot-central. Innovative strategy disappeared and instead simple technical execution of build orders took over. This translated into a vegetative mode of playing, similiar to when a fledgling guitarist, instead of practicing new chords and melodies, just blitzes out "Smoke on the Water" for the 6,780th fucking time. I understand though man; completion of something you've wired yourself to be perfect at is nice; it lets some random gland in your brain fart out sterilized endorphins into the bloodstream.



At about the same time, I actually started writing again. Perish the goddamn thought! Probably the first real time in six years I started dumping the contents of my brain all over the pages in my notebook. Don't worry, it wasn't too gory. The more and more I wrote, the more ideas that came flowing in. It wasn't even fair. In any case, one result of all this self-absorbed finger cramping was the creation of a simple term, catalogued above: "bloon". It simply came up one day when I came up for air from the Monkey Matrix (I don't edit in case you're wondering) and asked the question: "dude, are we BLOONING right now?" Procrastination, it seems, has never been the same. As we've branched out to different games and ways of wasting time, the term expanded as such. "Blooning" became less associated with tower defense and evolved to point out any situation where a person has replaced social skills

None of us OG Blooners play BTD3 anymore ironically. However, blooning will always be a part of my life as a phantom limb that frequently requires scratching. I've come to accept that, and shit, just getting this first post published is a testament that I can survive in the viral world of blogging despite my desire to sit in a room, surf the Internet, listen to Electronic music, play Team Fortress 2, and well, bloon. My next post will provide some history/future/perspective on my life as a nerd and where blooning will take us all. Indulge in my self indulgence if you dare, or continue to stay in the mud.

Dumbledore: "When you find the ideas, use it for blogging, only for blogging."
Me: "No, I will surely use it for blooning!"
Dumbledore:" Here is your final lesson - do not commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence. Productivity said, "Blooning is mine."
Me: "I don't believe in Productivity."
Dumbledore: "That doesn't matter. He believes in you."